Been drinking a little bit too much of late or, maybe, not enough. But it is safe to say that I've been listening to too much Bowie and too much of Cursive's "The Ugly Organ". Weird mood, weird thoughts, strange vibrations. Just in a matter of hours I'll be a whole year older but I'll sure as hell won't be any wiser. Fuck, I really should know better by now. Spent the last few months telling everyone (but mostly myself) that I'm strong now, stronger than I've ever been, so what on earth is that crawling into my head? I've changed the name but the words remain the same, my song is never-changing. Tried so hard to prevent myself from falling into bad habits but just couldn't help it, it's far too easy.
Maybe one distance did make me strong but this new distance will probably make me weak again; only time can tell. Hopeless romantic or hopeless in romance? Hm.
One question: what do you see when you look at me? A simple reflection of your crescent smile in my tired eyes or an endless sea you'd die to drown in?

"Hey babe, your hair's alright
Hey babe, let's stay out tonight"

So I'm sat here with "Rebel Rebel" playing, probably, for the 67th time in the last 72 hours, chipped black varnish on my fingernails and a bedlam in my head; the epitome of a troubled teen. Idiot, grow the fuck up. Things were so different this time last year: blinded by the naive idea that things will get better, with a ghost of love next to me in bed, draining my body's heat and giving next to nothing in return. This year the bed is lonely but at least I'm not wasting time on a pointless cause like I once was. Feels like I'm floating in some sort of a limbo, a state of nothingness, awaiting a transition.
PS thanks for passing your hang-ups on to me, would have been nice to be able to enjoy this past month a bit more, in the primal sense, but I guess you really didn't want me to. Out of sight, out of mind, but still affecting me.

"Rebel Rebel, you've torn your dress
Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess
Rebel Rebel, how could they know?
Hot tramp..."